


I'll drown (When I see you again)

by targaryen_melodrama



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, M/M, POV Sam Wilson, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:15:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25237567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/targaryen_melodrama/pseuds/targaryen_melodrama
Summary: “It’s the best we have for now.” Bucky's voice is soft and surprisingly clear, his tone matter-of-fact. Any bitterness or annoyance from the last time they saw each other is gone.“You’re right.”I’m sorry, Sam doesn’t say. He lets his legs dangle from the balcony, then starts swinging them back and forth as silly, useless questions die in his throat.How was your day? When do you think this’ll be over? Are you okay? Are you, really?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	I'll drown (When I see you again)

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'ed, feel free to point out typos, etc.

“This wasn’t a good idea,” is the first thing Sam says, and since he doesn’t have the energy to actually wince, he has to settle for doing it mentally. 

Whatever. If Sam can’t see Bucky’s emotions properly reflected on his face, then Bucky doesn’t get to see his either. Besides, it’s hard to see _anything_ under the light-polluted night sky and the outdoor lights that shine weak, yellow-ish halogen light over them. 

Sam hears a rustle of fabric and assumes Bucky just shrugged. “It’s the best we have for now.” His voice is soft and surprisingly clear, his tone matter-of-fact. Any bitterness or annoyance from the last time they saw each other is gone. 

“You’re right.” _I’m sorry_ , Sam doesn’t say. He lets his legs dangle from the balcony, then starts swinging them back and forth as silly, useless questions die in his throat. _How was your day? When do you think this’ll be over? Are you okay? Are you, really?_

“How are...things?” 

Sam hates Bucky’s tiptoeing as much as he’s relieved by it. “They’re good,” he says, clearing his throat. “They’re okay. I...there’s a team covering me—covering us—pretty much everywhere it’s needed. Things out there are under control as much as they can be.” Yet here Sam is, spinning out slowly, the thin thread that’s holding him together coming undone bit by bit, as it usually does at the end of the day, when there is nothing for him to do or think about. 

For a few moments, all Sam can hear is the faint buzz of the light above them, and the distant sounds of the forest that surrounds the compound. When Bucky takes a deep breath and interrupts the silence, Sam knows he won’t like what comes next. 

“How are you?”

Sam waits for the nausea to pass, waits for his head to stop spinning, waits for the mean and selfish thoughts that are resurfacing after a full day of avoidance flare up so he can quickly bury them again. 

“I’m—” _Lost. Tired. Overwhelmed and jaded._ “—tired. I’m really tired.”

“Would you rather…?”

Sam sighs when Bucky doesn’t finish his sentence. “Would I rather what?”

“Would you rather not see me? We don’t have to, you can just focus on—”

“Christ, Bucky, of course I wanna see you. It’s the only thing I’ve got right now, and even that isn’t—”

“I just don’t wanna add to—”

Sam turns to look at Bucky despite his best instincts. Nausea comes, then goes as fast as it came. “You’re not adding to anything, okay? You’re—you’re doing your best, and I just—”

“You just what?”

Sam doesn’t think before he speaks. “I need you and I can’t ask anything of you right now. I’m far from the worse off, but everything still feels like hell. I need you and I can’t—I can’t—”

Sam doesn’t want to say it out loud; Bucky doesn’t ask him to. 

“I get it. We’ve never been through anything like this before.”

“I’m sorry.”

Bucky sighs. “Don’t be.” There’s a mix of resignation and fear in Bucky’s eyes before he shakes his head, like he can shake off their circumstances. When he looks up at Sam, his smile is as dim as the light above them. “This is gonna end, one way or the other. When it does, you need to be okay. Until it does, you need to survive.” He clears his throat and loses his smile, yet this is the most sincere he’s looked since he’s shown up. “Whatever happens, I’m glad I was here with you, both like this and the way it was before. I—”

Sam barely has the time to notice that something’s changed before Wanda runs out on the balcony, her face pale and her hands shaky. 

“I’m so sorry, Sam, this is the longest I was able to project—”

“It’s okay.” Sam closes his eyes. Takes a deep breath. Counts to ten, then to twenty. “It’s okay, Wanda. You did your best.” He gets up without opening his eyes and walks back in, assuming Wanda will be out of his way. He only opens his eyes once he’s made it inside and hears Wanta close the patio door and draw his curtains. 

“Doctor Strange is landing tomorrow evening,” Wanda says quietly. “Princess Shuri the day after next.”

Sam doesn’t say anything to that. She’s not wrong, and she didn’t say _it’ll be fine_ , or _we’ll figure this out_ , which Sam is more grateful for than he can express.

It might not be, and they might not figure things out. They’ve dealt with people being alive and with people coming back from the dead. Sam has dealt with being left, and leaving loved ones behind. Sam has held loved ones’ dead bodies, and he’s buried them. 

No one, no one at all, at least as far as Sam can tell, has dealt with the ghost of someone who’s been comatose for a week after being hit by some unidentifiable contraption. 

“Thank you, Wanda. You should rest.”

“So should you. Good night.” 

Wanda leaves the room quickly after that, and Sam crosses the room to turn on his white noise machine. He almost goes to bed then and there, but sits on the floor instead. When his back starts to scream at him, Sam lies on the floor. 

Eyes fixed on the dark ceiling, he lets himself completely unravel. 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from I'll Drown, by Sóley.
> 
> I am on [Tumblr](http://targaryenmelodrama.tumblr.com)!


End file.
